


Wouldn't It Be Good

by mage_girl



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: A little hope, Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Epistolary, Guilt, Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam Wilson is the perfect cinnamon roll, Suicidal Ideation, blame, poor stevie, suicidal planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 09:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4700879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mage_girl/pseuds/mage_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bucky Barnes writes a series of letters to one Steven Grant Rogers...</p><p>And in which Steve and Sam follow the descent of the Winter Soldier.</p><p>The more things change, the more they stay the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wouldn't It Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story came shortly after I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It has haunted me ever since until I finally had the time to sit down and write this out.
> 
> Even though this is a story which details a definitive end, as my beta wrote to me, there is still hope, too.
> 
> Many many thanks and praise to my wonderful and amazing beta, Librariandrew who made this fic so much better.
> 
> Many thanks to my soul brother who read it through as a veteran and vouched for its accuracy.
> 
> Please do read the tags. Trigger warnings for suicidal ideation, suicide planning and implied suicide.
> 
> The title for this story comes from the song, 'Wouldn't It Be Good' sung by Nick Kershaw. That song has always haunted me; it explains a lot of things that I find hard to say.

_Dear Man on the Bridge:_

_I don’t know why you… why did you? Why did you let me? Why did you call me that name? Why did you make me remember and why does my head hurt and why… you didn’t do me no favours. You didn’t stop and think but you never did, did you? Always charged right in there and had to prove yourself no matter the cost._

_But that’s you, isn’t it?_

_Don’t try and track me down. Don’t follow me. Let me be for a little for fuck’s sake let me be. Because I need some time & I got some business to attend to and I don’t want you I don’t. _

 

Sam had seen Steve hurt and grieving. He’d seen him pale from blood loss and exhaustion. He’d never seen Steve break down and fold into himself. He’d never seen Steve gasp for breath and bow his head to hide his tears.

Sam got him a box of kleenex and sat next to Steve, waiting until the worst of the tears and choking sobs had passed.

‘Steve… what can I do?’ asked Sam, softly.

‘Read… read this,’ whispered Steve, handing over the single page of paper to Sam. 

Sam took it from him and read what was written. He’d discovered the paper inside an envelope that was addressed to Steve in care of himself. The last thing he or Steve would have expected would have been communication through the US mail.

Sam glanced up to see Steve wiping his face and blowing his nose with some kleenex. Steve looked like a child who’d been told Santa wasn’t real and Sam’s heart twinged with sympathy.

‘He wrote to you,’ said Sam. 

‘He doesn’t want me… he said… he said...’ Steve couldn’t finish whatever he wanted to say as he choked back another sob.

‘He needs space and he needs to think about things… it’s not the most polite request and… he should have the agency to say he doesn’t want whatever or whomever and this does include you. And if you really do want him to be himself and to take control back, this is part of it,’ said Sam, keeping his eyes on Steve’s.

Steve gulped and nodded. ‘Do you… do you think he’ll change his mind?’

‘I’m not him,’ replied Sam. ‘I don’t know what he’s thinking or where he’s going but let’s take it a day at a time. We’ll honour his request. We won’t go after him… and let’s see if we get another message.’

**

_Dear Man on the Bridge:_

_Tonight, I was ambushed. It was OK, though. I got a warning and it ended poorly. For them. They want me back and I’m not going I’m not I’m not I’m not. Sides, I’m with people who understand things. People who get what it’s like to be thrown away and erased._

_You know, people underestimate the homeless. People look the other way. It’s helped me because then nobody knows where I am and where I go to. I know, though._

_I know the best shelters. The best places to get good food and a shower. I have a place I can rest my head if I want. I know some backways places that we never knew when we were roaming the streets. When we were someone else way back then._

_I know you aren’t looking for me. And I know you’re dealing with those other punks. They think you know where I’m at but that’s funny, isn’t it?_

_This whole thing is one big joke._

__

Sam looked up from the letter. ‘He’s taking care of himself.’

Steve shrugged. ‘He’s living with the homeless population. And he’s going to shelters for food. And to wash up.’

Sam heard what wasn’t being said. ‘Steve… he’s navigating pretty good. And he’s finding resources on his own. And I know you want to help him… but doing for him isn’t helping.’

Steve looked away and didn’t say anything for a while.

‘I’m going to go for a run. You wanna join so I can lap you a few times?’ asked Steve, breaking his silence.

Sam smiled lopsidedly. ‘You know I live for that. Let’s go.’

**

__

_Dear Man on the Bridge:_

_You know how many people I’ve killed? And funnily enough, I’m not talking about the ones as.. as the Asset. I’m talking about before, when I was in Europe and was given that rifle and told to shoot._

_I don’t think you realize that I was made for this. That what I did in Europe wasn’t too much different from what I did as the Asset. I know you’re gonna deny it. I know you’re gonna say that it wasn’t the same but I know me and I know what I’m capable of. And while you were the front line, in the sun and the mascot, I was the shadow and the darkness and the cover for what needed to be done._

_Maybe it was good I was chosen by Zola. Maybe it was good I had a little of what you have in my veins. I got faster, better, meaner. Yeah, I got meaner._

_So I killed people for our country, for freedom, for you. For everything you stood for, I killed for you. Because I believed in you._

_I don’t believe in anyone now. My belief was torn from me and frozen from me and electricity was shot through it and it isn’t recognizable as anything I’d claim._

_I know you wanna write back to me. Argue with me like you used to, all heart and heat. You got enough going on. Good job on that last mission. I hated that place._

_I’m gonna go pigeon hunting. It’s ridiculously easy but it’s food and everyone is happy when I bring back a score of them._

_My life is so strange._

__

Steve smiled. ‘Pigeons. Those birds never had a fair chance.’

‘Is there much meat on a pigeon?’ asked Sam. ‘I mean, it’s not like chicken. And I wonder how it tastes.’

‘We could ask Clint to shoot one for us and we could grill it. See for ourselves,’ suggested Steve.

Sam rolled his eyes. ‘Go right ahead. I’ll be over here with the ice cream pail.’

Steve looked down at the letter. ‘He wasn’t wrong, you know… Bucky was one hell of a sharp shooter, a really good sniper. He was even better after… after the rescue. I look back at that now and wonder how I could have been so blind. How we all were, really. The Howling Commandos just patched themselves up and moved on.’

‘That’s what it was like. Your unit wasn’t the only one who just pushed through. Don’t feel bad for not having the time to see things like that. It’s a luxury that only those at peace have. Those of us who are in the hot zone? Nope. Not at all,’ said Sam, shaking his head.

‘Yeah, you’d know.’ Steve was quiet again, his hands tracing the sprawling script of Bucky’s handwriting.

‘I take it the place Bucky was talking about was burnt to the ground,’ commented Sam.

Steve shot him a look of grim satisfaction. ‘Burnt and salted. That’s one Hydra head that’s never rising again.’

**

__

_Dear Steven G Rogers:_

_So there’s this guy. He’s the one who welcomed me into this little group I know. He’s what you’d call the elder… been around… knows the turf… all that._

_He kinda’ reminds me of Monty in a way with Dernier’s sense of humor. Like if Monty and Dernier had a kid, this would be that kid. Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?_

_Anyway, he’s pretty OK most of the time but when he doesn’t have his liquor, he falls apart. He tells me that it helps him cope and if anyone knows anything about making it through another shit day, maybe it’d be me._

_So last night, he didn’t have anything and he starts shaking and I go around and get some money and then go get him something that I know he’d like._

_He looked at me. Looked at me and took a swallow and then said that it’d been a long time since he’d tasted something like that. Something that reminded him of life before the war._

_He told me that maybe I should call you something that reminded me of life before the war. Something that tasted good to me._

_That’s never been the problem. How you taste to me._

__

Sam put his chin into his hands and regarded Steve for a long moment. ‘Is there something I don’t know, here?’

Steve stared back at Sam. ‘Is there?’

**

__

_Dear Steven G Rogers:_

_Remember when they’d tell us about being shell-shocked? Shell-shocked. What a fucking joke. We were getting shelled all right. Shelled and fired at and knifed. Had bombs thrown at us or waiting to blow us up._

_It’s a damn blue-eyed miracle that we made it as long as we did. That none of the Howlies came home in a pine box. I missed knowing what happened to everyone. I was cheated out of seeing all the accomplishments that Morita did in California as a senator. And Gabe. Gabe as a senator in New York. Missed seeing Dernier in his hometown and walking in the vineyards. Missed visiting Monty and walking amongst the heather like he said we’d do some day._

_Dum Dum was gonna catch a few baseball games with us. Funny how out of all of them, he was the one I got closest to._

_Bet you didn’t know that, did you? Bet you didn’t know that I called it when the time came._

_I don’t go to church anymore. I pretty much decided that there was no way god would listen to me. I got way too much blood dripping down and got way too many sins to count. I might as well go to hell because I’m sure there’s a place waiting for me._

_Those scientists, they never thought things through. They never thought about what it does to a person, being put in and out, having electricity shot through their brain… didn’t think about what it would do after all those years._

_I just live with it. My brain which glitches in and out. My memories that I think are true. Or maybe they’re not. Maybe I never did have a group of men I fought alongside with and lived alongside with and got to know. Maybe I only had men who didn’t know how to handle me and orders and the cold._

_Maybe I only always had the cold._

__

‘Steve...’

‘Just let me… let me...’ Steve stumbled into the bathroom and shut the door.

Sam leaned against the wall and sighed. He waited until Steve opened the door again, his teeth brushed and any sign of sick erased from the bathroom.

‘He’s still writing to me,’ said Steve, softly. He looked at Sam and smiled, a bare curve of his lips.

‘That’s good. I’m just concerned with how it’s affecting you,’ answered Sam.

‘What’s that they call it now? PTSD? I’d say it’s affecting me real good,’ said Steve, nodding once.

**

__

_Dear Steven G Rogers:_

_Maybe I shouldn’t be writing these letters to you._

_I keep telling myself it’s gonna get better. I’ll feel better. It’ll be OK to one day come to your home and see you._

_I’m probably as good at lying to myself as I am to anyone else. I wanna believe it’s gonna work out but I’ve never been the fighter. You’re the fighter._

_I remember thinking I needed to stay with you. I needed to help you and I needed to protect you and my first loyalty was always to you. I never ever looked at another fella the way I looked at you._

_Maybe it would have been better if I’d shipped out after you found me. That way, you didn’t have to worry about me and I could go on and live my life and marry some Italian girl and have four kids or something. I could learn to live with half a heart._

_But then I’d grow old and they’d find you and I’d wish they’d frozen me alongside you. Frozen me so when you woke up, I’d wake up and see you and smile. To have our whole life together._

_Fuck fairy tales._

__

‘What was Bucky’s favourite fairy tale?’ asked Sam as Steve stared blankly ahead of him, holding Bucky’s letter.

‘He liked sci fi stuff the best. He was always talking about how someday, we’d go explore the moon and other planets. He loved those stories with space pilots and robots and traveling the galaxies. He wasn’t so much for fairy tales. Said there was too much truth in them,’ answered Steve, taking a shuddering breath.

**

__

_Dear Steve:_

_There. Happy, punk?_

_There’s a funeral today. One of the people who I’ve gotten to know died the other night. We weren’t sure if it was on purpose or not; the alcohol content in the blood makes it all a little murky._

_Yet the end result is one dead person. And people may not think about what happens to a homeless person who dies in the middle of the night but when all is said and done, there’s this gap._

_I contacted the family. There was a letter in a pocket, much worn and creased. An envelope with a return address and damn, Google is something else, ain’t it?_

_Some of us went. We showered and dressed as nice as we could and met the family. Turns out this person had gone missing some years back. No one knew what happened to them. No one could track them down._

_You and I could’ve told them if a person doesn’t want to be found, there are ways._

_The kicker is, there was a family left behind. Children. A spouse. And their bewilderment and grief and, I think, anger at finding their loved one this way was hard to see._

_I saw Becca the other day. Well, I watched her. She was outside, sitting in the sun, with a glass of iced tea and a book in her lap. She’d fallen asleep and the sun caught the silver in her hair and lit it like angel fire._

_Everyone else I love is dead but I can’t bring myself to approach my only living relative. The sister I loved so very much. I don’t know how I’d react if she recoiled from me. What if she was afraid of me? What if she didn’t want anything to do with me?_

_I think… I’d…_

_So I watch her from a distance and make sure she’s being treated right and seems the place she’s at has real nice caretakers._

_So my baby sister is safe and sound. She’s so old, now. But she’s still beautiful to me. I can still see the little girl she was, the young teen I left behind._

_I’m not gonna judge my friend for not contacting the family. There were reasons and we never talked about that. Some things are too hard to say._

_You and Becca are all I have left._

__

Sam sighed as he read the letter and looked at Steve who was staring pensively out the window.

‘Are you going to tell her?’ asked Sam, quietly.

Steve shook his head. ‘No. I’m not going to take that away from him. Sides, I know when he’s testing me and that’s definitely a test. He should know I’ve changed from who I was in ways.’

‘And in other ways...’ Sam let the words trail off.

Steve smiled crookedly. ‘Another ninety some years on ice wouldn’t make a dent.’

**

__

_Steve:_

_I’ve been thinking._

_Remember in church, we always heard that suicide was a sin and if we did something like that, we’d go to hell? No purgatory, no heaven, just straight to hell because it was a mortal sin. Well, I already know I’ve got a seat with my name on it so that threat doesn’t work anymore._

_I couldn’t visit Becca. I know… you didn’t say anything cos she hasn’t changed. She falls asleep in the sun in the late afternoon. She reads in the morning. She asks to have her hair braided and then her eyes dim and her lip trembles._

_I watch it all closely. Do they take their time? Do they comb it out careful like first? Becca always did have baby fine hair that ratted up so easy. She only let me comb it out, only let me braid it cos I never pulled too tight, never hurt her._

_Remember, we’d pick out ribbons? She’d choose some that matched the trim on her dress or her scarf in winter. Ma said she was a vain little thing but I know she just liked a splash of colour. She just wanted to feel pretty._

_Sometimes, I think about walking towards her. Think about bringing a comb and some ribbons. Think about brushing out her hair and kissing the tears away. Think about singing her favourite songs and teasing her._

_But I’m irredeemable, Steve. I can’t be around her. I’d taint her. I’d ruin things. I wouldn’t forgive myself for that._

_So I’ve been thinking. About losing all the chances to belong. About being unable to make up for everything I’d done._

_It’s a slow dawning conclusion. I got some things to do._

__

‘What is he saying, Sam… what is he saying?’ cried Steve, pacing back and forth.

Sam paused. He turned the words over in his mind, studying them from different angles. ‘Whatever he’s saying, he’s making the choice. And whatever he decides, it’s not your fault or your responsibility.’

‘Why can’t I write to him? Why won’t he talk to me?’ demanded Steve.

‘He is talking to you, Steve. You might not like what he’s telling you but he is talking to you,’ said Sam, gently.

Steve curled up over himself and buried his face in his hands.

**

__

_Have you visited the graveyard where your ma and dad are buried? Did you say goodbye?_

_I visited my ma’s grave and my two other sisters and I couldn’t even cry. My eyes ached something fierce and my throat was all tight but I didn’t shed one damn tear. Further proof I’m unsalvageable, right?_

_I looked at the dates, when they died and all I could think of was the missions I was on those years, the places I was, the people I killed. And here, here my loved ones died without me even knowing._

_It’s too much. Every little thing feels like a thousand paper cuts all over. I brought flowers to the graves and set them down and they looked so pretty there. My ma always did like tulips and my sisters loved daisies. Got them some colours I’d never seen before. Purple and orange and pink as well as the plain white ones._

_Becca, she always loved wild flowers of any type. I know she’d like some of those fancy bouquets they sell now… I’m thinking of sending her some flowers. So’s I can see her smile every time she sees them._

_But that might be too much of a give away. She might wonder who sent her those flowers. Her favourite flowers, too. And she’d ask you, Steve, and I know you’re piss awful at lying. No, I’ll wait until she’s tucked in nice and neat next to ma and my other sisters and then she’ll get some of her favourite flowers from her big brother._

_What kind of flowers would you put on my grave? Would you visit me every week, brush off the leaves and dirt, and talk to me? I know if I asked you to look after all of us, you would. I know you’d make sure all was in its place and flowers were there on special holidays and our birthdays._

_In case you don’t know, I’ve always liked them violets. I know those flowers are fragile and hard to grow. Kinda fits, doesn’t it? I’m not planted anywhere, Steve._

__

‘Didn’t know he liked violets,’ commented Sam. He was looking at the floral arrangements in the shop.

Steve picked out some pink and yellow tulips and set them on the counter next to the daisies. They were a riotous bunch of neon colours that made Sam and Steve smile when they saw them.

‘Bucky always had an eye for delicate things. Figures, huh?’ replied Steve, smiling with one corner of his mouth. 

‘Gonna pick some flowers out for Becca?’ asked Sam, already knowing the answer.

Steve nodded. ‘There’s a real nice bunch of wild flowers over there. I know Becca will love them.’

**

__

_Steve:_

_Do you dream? Do you have good dreams or do you have nightmares? Do you have those dreams where you wake up and you can’t breathe and you swear you’re back where you crawled out of? That you are back in hell?_

_Maybe you do. Maybe you wake up and you’re all sweat and nerves and fire in the bones. Maybe you can hardly move because you’re so taut. Maybe you reach for whatever’s nearby so you’re ready to fight._

_It’s getting to the point where I can hardly sleep. I don’t want to close my eyes no more cos I keep dreaming about Zola or Pierce or missions or…. I dream about the people who are now buried six feet deep that I never got to see… never got to be around...I dream about Howard Stark and Dum Dum… I dream about you._

_Remember that night we went out? You know. We heard all about that place from the boys. They said it was as safe as any of those places could be… Back in the day, a busted head was all you got if you were lucky._

_Something else to see queers walking around holding hands now, ain’t it? They’re waving rainbow flags and they have parades and I really don’t know what happened but at least this part… this part where a guy and a guy could hold hands and not worry about getting their brains spilled?_

_That’s good. And wasn’t that night something else? Remember the one who sang? And the drag artist who looked so much like a woman, people weren’t sure? Remember seeing all those queers in one place? Hanging out. Smoking. Drinking. Kissing and holding hands?_

_I still remember… I still remember how soft your skin was…. how I could put my hands around your waist and almost meet in the back… how you gazed at me with those eyes of yours, so blue and so open… and your kisses…_

_If I could dream of that and only that, I would want to sleep the rest of my life. I’d want to never wake up._

_I’m thinking… I’m thinking that I’d be OK if I died tomorrow and the last thought, the last bit of consciousness I ever had, would be you in my arms and your lips on mine._

__

Steve stared out the window. He hadn’t moved since he’d read the latest letter, he’d just handed it to Sam and then faced the window in silence.

Sam set dinner next to him; Steve barely touched it. 

Sam put a blanket around Steve’s shoulders.

‘I want to go after him,’ whispered Steve after several hours of silence.

‘He doesn’t want that, Steve. He hasn’t said one word about meeting you or asking you to see him,’ replied Sam, gently.

Steve closed his eyes. ‘I’m dying right along with him, Sam.’

**

__

_Steve:_

_I don’t know how to write this out but I’ll try. I’ll try my best._

_Everything’s gone to hell. I can’t sleep. I can hardly eat. It hurts to breathe._

_I know you want me to come in, I know you want me to stay with you and get better but I don’t… I don’t know if I ever would._

_Everything that I’ve read, everything that my friends have told me leaves me without hope. I ain’t gonna get better, I ain’t ever gonna leave those nightmares behind. I’m gonna always have those images in my mind and I’m always gonna have those thoughts in my head._

_See, people don’t get why some people use. Sometimes it’s booze. Sometimes it’s drugs. People don’t get that sometimes a person has to get out of their head for a fucking while. I ain’t saying that’s the reason why people use drugs and drink… It’s not the only reason and I don’t have one of those fancy degrees._

_But I do know that since I can’t get drunk and I don’t trust any drug in my system, that path is not gonna work for me. I can’t sink into oblivion with a little smack._

_I know that a lot of vets kill themselves. I know it’s called an epidemic and a hidden, silent epidemic and people don’t know the half of it. They know about the vets who stay in mainstream society. They know nothin’ about the vets who live on the streets._

_There’s a body every day. Sometimes two if you know where to look. Sometimes, they still have their jackets on. Sometimes, they have their purple hearts tucked in the pockets. It might as well be a Cracker Jack token._

_I ain’t saying this too well, Steve. You’re the last person I want to hurt. So I’ll make it short, I’ll cut it clean. When Becca goes, I go. I’ll want to make sure I can visit her a little while but…_

_I’m so tired. So so tired._

__

‘Did you know about this?’ asked Steve.

‘What part?’ asked Sam, cautiously. He’d never seen Steve so riled up. His eyes were gleaming and his posture was battle-ready.

‘The homeless vets… killing themselves,’ clarified Steve.

‘I’m not surprised,’ answered Sam. ‘It’s hard enough being a vet who has services at hand… to be homeless and not have those resources… or to have been abused by those resources… can’t say I’m surprised by the end result.’

‘He wants to kill himself,’ said Steve, flatly. ‘After Becca passes, he wants to kill himself.’

‘That’s what it sounds like,’ agreed Sam.

Steve made a wounded sound, something that was dragged up from the very depths of him.

‘Do you think… do you think I’ll be able to say goodbye?’ whispered Steve.

‘I’m thinking that he would want you to take care of him and put him to rest. He trusts that you’ll do that,’ said Sam.

Steve rubbed his eyes. ‘And I’ll put some violets on his grave… Bucky always did trust I’d do the right thing.’

Steve smiled at Sam but it was the saddest smile Sam had ever seen.

**

__

_Steve:_

_Sorry it’s been awhile. I’ve been busy helping my friends get through the hard winter. A body never knows how used to being warm and having a couple squares a day can mean until they don’t have that._

_So I know places we can go to stay warm. And get a little something to eat. And it turns out this metal arm is good for something other than killing._

_Breaking into buildings and disabling security systems… this is now my life._

_Turns out I can fit a decent amount of people into some barely used buildings. And get a nice little system going. People are safe. It’s warm. And nobody is freezing in the cold._

_But we gotta move on cos nobody wants the homeless to have a safe place. And there aren’t enough safe places._

_Irony is I’ve found some safe houses that HYDRA used. And they’re still abandoned cos nobody knew about them so I’ve set up some families in them… fiddled with the electricity and heat so there won’t be any outages._

_These families take in others and there’s a network now of places that are safe._

_I know you’re smiling now. Thinking I’m doing better._

_I’m doing what needs to be done. I’m putting a little more on the other side of the scale. It’s nowhere balanced but every little thing helps._

_Becca loves the flowers you give her. She takes time every day to rearrange them to her liking and to put fresh water in the vase. She saves the ribbons and puts them in a drawer._

_She’s doing well, my Becca girl. I just keep an eye on her. It eases my heart and helps keep me centered._

_It doesn’t change nothing, though, punk. I’m sleeping a little better. Eating some. But I’ll be happy to call it when the time comes._

__

‘He’s busy. HYDRA safe houses, huh? He’s also ingenious as hell,’ commented Sam.

‘Bucky’s no slouch when it comes to strategy. What people don’t know is he would look over the plans and shoot holes through it. It was annoying but necessary. I wasn’t always thinking of my own safety and he always called me on it,’ said Steve, ruefully.

‘He always had your six. That hasn’t changed… he’s keeping in touch, letting you know what’s going on,’ said Sam.

‘Yeah. Is it awful of me to wish Becca would live forever? I mean, it’d be great cos I’d never have to say goodbye but… when she dies, he’ll die and… I wish she could live forever. Pretty selfish of me, isn’t it?’ asked Steve, hunching his shoulders inwards.

 

‘You’re in a tight space, there, Steve. And you didn’t put yourself, there. I don’t blame you for wishing that. Or for wanting a different outcome,’ answered Sam.

‘I’ve wanted that my entire life. A different outcome. First with my health, then with being here now, then with Bucky. And now this. I better quit while I’m ahead,’ said Steve.

**

__

_Steve:_

_Yesterday, I visited Peggy._

_OK, I didn’t actually go in and see her. But I saw her… and I could see that she’s fading. Age does that, huh?_

_She’s another person I’d like to sit down and talk to… talk about regrets and burning bridges and salting the earth. I know she’d understand._

_But that’s something I can’t do… shouldn’t do. I know she’s drifting and I don’t want to scare her and I don’t want the doctors to think she’s… she’s worsening._

_So I guess I’m stuck, huh? Other than writing to you… and to Sam._

_I know about Sam. Tell him I’m sorry about the wings. He looked pretty damn awesome, flying around. One of my science fiction stories come to life._

_I don’t know if you and him are an item as they say now… or hooking up or whatever. But Steve. I’m not gonna get mad. From what I can tell, he’s a stand up guy. He works with guys like me every day, what’s there not to like?_

_And Steve. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have anyone in this big ol’ world. I know you. I know how you work and how you think._

_So if you and Sam are into each other, don’t think you’re desecrating what we had. Or betraying me. Or whatever your mind would come up with, you big mook._

_I know I’d be happier knowing you have someone like him. I’m not jealous. I wish… well, if wishes were horses, this beggar would ride._

__

Sam and Steve stared at each other.

**

__

_Dear Steve:_

_I’m sorry to hear about Peggy. I mean, I saw… I got showered and shaved and cut my hair and… I was there._

_That was a mighty fine speech you gave. Been practicing in front of the mirror, punk? Sorry. It hurts me too and I’m joking so’s I won’t start crying again._

_She was some dame, wasn’t she? She really… she had it all. I can understand why you were awestruck by her. Even felt something for her. I wasn’t going to be jealous over your feelings for her, Steve._

_Maybe you underestimated me. Maybe you didn’t think I couldn’t share you with her. I could. I would have if life hadn’t treated us like shit._

_I see Sam was with you. I’m glad, Stevie. I’m sure not sure where you two stand. If you are together, it’s pretty damn discreet. It’s not the forties anymore, you know._

_I’m putting some things together for you. Stuff I know you’ll take good care of. Stuff I have that you’ll want. It’s something for me to do when I can’t sleep and the nightmares have taken over. It’s something that helps me go on just a little longer._

_Good job on rooting out as much of HYDRA as you could. I’ve been a little bit busy on my end, cleaning up some and making sure nobody is gonna come after me anymore. I can’t afford the distraction, really._

_But I think I’ve got the last of it. It’s a good feeling, literally seeing the last gasp of my past die at my feet._

_Becca is all right but she’s slowly getting weaker. I am still thinking on whether or not I should see her before she dies. Maybe when the time is nearer. Maybe I can say goodbye to her. Braid her hair one last time. Kiss her and tell her I love her._

_Maybe I can say goodbye to you, before I go._

__

‘I know I shouldn’t hope. But Sam… maybe I can convince him to stay? Maybe I can...’ Steve slumped. ‘Or I should just take what I can get and be grateful for that. I just wanna see him, Sam. I just wanna talk to him one last time.’

‘I know. I hope you can, Steve. What can I do for you now, though?’ asked Sam.

‘Just… can we watch a movie?’ requested Steve.

‘Yeah… should I put in _Howl’s Moving Castle_?’ asked Sam.

‘I’d like that… thank you, Sam,’ said Steve, quietly.

**

__

_Steve:_

_I’ve been thinking back and forth what I should do… do I meet you and Sam? Do I just let it be? Do I take the time so I can say goodbye the way I want to or do I not?_

_I could be fooling myself. I mean, I’d like to think it’d go well but I don’t know. I don’t want you all upset and everything. I want some dignity here, punk._

_I’m not too worried about Sam. He gets it. He really does. And Sam and I don’t have the history you and I have… he doesn’t have two lives and the two of us who were different as night and day. It’s hard to describe. I try to tell a couple of the people I feel I can talk to but they just shake their heads at me._

_They say I’m complicating things. That I should meet up with you and make my peace. I should set all the ghosts to rest so that when I go to rest there ain’t nothing left between us._

_That makes sense to me. At least, it does when it’s explained to me. But then I get to thinking and doubting and then I’m not so sure it’s a smart idea._

_Of course, one of them told me that since I’m all about my own agency, I have no business taking away yours and that would mean you wanting to see me one last time. And damn it, I can’t argue with that._

_This has been my show and you’ve been along for the ride. I’ve written to you and not given you one moment to respond back. No means to let me know what you’re thinking and feeling. I can about guess, though. My ears should be pink most of the time, huh?_

_And you’ve respected my wishes. You even got that little test I set up with Becca. And I thank you for that. I know you wouldn’t hurt her for anything in the world. You looked after her way back when and you’re still looking after her. Thank you._

_I’m reading over what I just wrote and smacking myself on the side of the head. I obviously can’t be honest with myself. Of course I’ll see you. I’ll see Becca, too. I wanna say goodbye to the two people left in the world who I love more than anyone or anything else._

_Take good care of my Becca girl for me, Stevie. Take good care of the both of us._

__

Steve looked at Sam, his eyes shining with unshed tears and hope.

‘I get to see him, Sam… and he wants to see you, too!’ exclaimed Steve, handing the letter over.

Sam read it and smiled. ‘Look at that. I’m sure this meeting will go much better than the first one did. And I’m glad. Glad for you and Becca both.’

Steve sighed. ‘Yeah… Becca’s doing OK. She might be doing OK for a few more years.’

‘Then there’s time. Time for him to write and time for him to think. Maybe… maybe he’ll change his mind. Maybe he’ll rethink things,’ said Sam, encouragingly.

‘And maybe he won’t. Buck’s awful stubborn. I wouldn’t be surprised if he followed through with his plans, no matter how many years passed by,’ disagreed Steve, a hitch in his voice.

‘Whatever comes to pass, we’ll meet it head on. For now, it’s good to know he’ll at least see you one more time,’ said Sam.

Steve nodded. ‘I think I’m gonna hold onto that and just… let the rest be. Let those ghosts lay to rest.’

**

__

_Steve:_

_It’s time._

_I said my goodbye to Becca. She… she held onto me and wouldn’t let go. She smiled as I brushed her hair. I braided it the way she always loved it, putting in the ribbons I’d bought her._

_She wanted to know why I hadn’t seen her before… why I waited until she was dying. I told her I didn’t want to burden her with who I am, now. I told her I wasn’t the person, the big brother she remembered and I would hardly be able to look her in the eyes._

_She told me the one thing she disliked the most was my high handedness. Said I got it from our ma. She told me to not waste anymore time dying and to start living. She told me to see you and to rebuild from the ashes._

_I let her talk. I sang to her, the songs she fell asleep to when she was a child. I kissed her cheek again and again, touching her face with gentle fingers. She nestled into my touch like a kitten, almost purring with happiness._

_She wanted me to stay until the very end and I couldn’t say no. So I sat next to her and held her hand and when she slipped away from me, she looked at me and whispered that she loved me and she always had and she’d waited for me to come back to her._

_I told her I loved her and I’d always watch over her. She smiled at me and then she died. It was so peaceful. After all the deaths I’d seen, the deaths I’d dealt… this one… where the moon is shining through the curtains and all I can see is the curve of her cheek and her dark eyes… it washed me clean._

_God, I’m gonna miss my Becca girl._

_So, punk. You and Sam ready to meet up? I can’t promise I’m gonna be in the best of shape. My head hurts and my heart hurts and I feel like I’m gonna explode cos of all these emotions. I’ll try, though._

_I found the drawer with all the ribbons Becca saved. I’m bringing them with… Becca wanted you to have them._

_Here, this slip of paper is where to find me in a couple of days. Be on your best behavior, now. I know Sam will make sure you’re gonna listen. Don’t forget to bring him, too._

__

Steve smiled at Sam and Sam smiled back.

‘Looks like I get to finally meet your fella,’ commented Sam, studying the slip of paper that Steve handed him.

‘Yeah… sounds like he wants to see you, too,’ said Steve. He glanced over at the obituary where Rebecca Barne’s smiling face graced the front page.

‘I’m supposed to keep you on your best behavior? That’s a tall order,’ teased Sam.

Steve leaned against him. ‘I think you can handle it. And I know Bucky will be happy to see it.’

‘I hope so. I know he says he’s OK with things but… the last thing I want to do is hurt him,’ said Sam.

Steve nodded. ‘You won’t. He’s tying up loose ends… and making sure that things are the way he wants isn’t going to hurt a thing.’

**

 

Steve entered the diner first, his eyes sweeping the small area efficiently. He spotted Bucky sitting in the back, watching the front of the diner.

Sam followed, stopping and looking around, assessing the area for exits and any possible threats. He nodded to Steve who slowly walked towards the back.

Steve smiled hesitantly, a fragile, hopeful smile that conveyed his inner state. His posture was soldier-straight and he walked with confidence. His eyes and his smile told a different story.

Bucky nodded at Steve and Sam as they slid into the booth opposite him.

‘Looking good, punk,’ commented Bucky, his mouth quirking up into a smile. He studied both men in front of him. ‘I realize now it was a wise decision to see you.’

‘And then what, Buck?’ asked Steve. He leaned forward, staring intently into Bucky’s eyes.

‘And then I go away,’ said Bucky, quietly. ‘You know that’s always been the deal. I can’t… I can’t stay here, Steve. I’m too messed up… I can’t sleep, can’t hardly eat… I have shut everything down because when I allow myself to feel _anything_ , I want to scream until I lose my voice. Becca’s dead and I’m dead but I’m still breathing.’

Sam put his hand on Steve’s arm. ‘Steve… take a deep breath. Go on,’ he urged gently, rubbing Steve’s arm.

Steve gasped in and his breath stuttered as he sucked in a harsh breath and then another.

‘What do you need?’ asked Sam. He’d gestured the waitress away when she’d started walking over and he kept an eye on her and on Bucky as well.

‘I just needed to see you. To meet you and apologize and to say goodbye. I wanted to make sure you would take care of him,’ answered Bucky. He smiled at Sam. ‘I can see why Steve wants to be with you. I am sorry for the wings. You were doing your job and I was doing mine. I wish we’d been on the same side.’

‘It’d be a formidable partnership, I’m sure,’ agreed Sam, easily. ‘I appreciate the apology. Those wings made me feel like I can touch the heavens.’

Bucky’s smile widened. ‘I bet… would have loved to taken a ride with you… If you can pick up Mr Weighs a Lot over there, you could haul my petite ass.’

Steve choked on laughter and Sam’s laugh belled out. 

‘I know I could,’ said Sam, his eyes twinkling. 

Bucky’s smile faded away. ‘This is what I want. When you find me… make sure I’m buried next to Becca, OK? When you find me, don’t let anyone take me apart… just… wrap me up, put me in the earth… let me give something back that’s good for once.’

Steve’s eyes filled with tears. ‘That’s what you… that’s what you want, Buck?’ he tried again when his voice cracked.

‘That’s what I want. I’m not gonna ask you to do it yourself. I wouldn’t do that to you, Stevie. I’ll take care of this by myself. Not gonna ask any of my friends, either. But they’ll know where to find me and they’ll know to get you when it’s done,’ said Bucky, quietly.

Steve leaned into Sam. ‘OK. I… I can do that.’

‘I know you could. Stevie… if there were any other way, I would try… if I thought I could put myself back together from what happened to me… I would give it my best shot… it’s too late for me. I know this and I know you don’t believe me. I want you to trust that I know myself,’ said Bucky.

‘When?’ asked Steve.

‘I got a few more things to do. But soon. I won’t keep you waiting too long,’ said Bucky, softly. He reached out and cradled the side of Steve’s face in his palm. ‘If wishes were horses, this beggar would ride.’

Steve closed his eyes, turned his head, and kissed the center of Bucky’s palm.

Bucky caressed Steve’s face and then put his hand down. ‘Sam… take care of him, best you can. He’s a stubborn ass and he’ll likely drive you up a tree a few times but he’s a good man. The best you could ever ask for.’

‘Will do. Wish this was different… but we’ll make sure things are done the way you want. The last thing you should have to worry about is if your body is going to be disrespected again. We’ll make damn sure it won’t be,’ said Sam, holding Bucky’s gaze.

Bucky shuddered and his body lost the tension he’d been holding since they’d sat down. ‘Thank you. You don’t know how much I appreciate hearing that.’

‘You’re welcome. Are you hungry? I don’t know about you but even though we’re talking about some hard stuff here, a body’s got to eat,’ said Sam. ‘And I don’t know if you’ve been getting regular meals.’

‘I’m doing alright,’ said Bucky. ‘Honestly. I eat twice a day. I make myself eat a little something when I can. But yeah, I could eat.’

Sam motioned the waitress over. ‘Let’s take a look at some menus and order whatever you want.’

‘My last supper, huh?’ Bucky smiled slightly. ‘I couldn’t have asked for better people to have it with.’

**

__

_Stevie and Sam:_

_I wanted you to have this last letter. Yeah, I planned this out, of course I did… but I didn’t want to bring it up because that day at the diner?_

_That day was everything to me. I enjoyed the food, the conversation, the laughter. I stored that inside of me like a miser stores gold. I hadn’t felt at such ease since the times with the Howling Commandos._

_Sam, you would have fit right in with us. The guys would have loved you and Gabe would have tucked you under his wing, if you’ll excuse the pun._

_Look. I know I’m a selfish son of a bitch. I know a part of Steve is with me… don’t deny it, punk. We always said to the end of the line and now that my line is truly definitely ended, you’re going to be at loose ends._

_So keep fighting the good fight. Make sure the graves are kept up. Becca always loved those flowers you gave her… and I know you’re gonna put some flowers on mine because you are full of sentiment and feelings don’t deny it._

_I know my body wasn’t messed with and I know you took care to bury me and to even put a headstone up next to Becca because you’re not going to do anything half assed. I know I’m not there anymore but I just... I know you’ve taken care of everything._

_I do wish things had been different. I do wish I was able to still be around, go on missions with you, laugh and feel the sun inside of me._

_But Stevie… this is the truest thing about me I have always known._

_I was lost when I fell. I wouldn’t be found until I saw you again and could lay myself to rest._

_Sam, take Stevie for a ride with those new wings of yours. Fly as close to the sun as you dare… feel the wind and that exhilaration and know I’m whooping right alongside you both._

_I don’t believe in heaven or anything like that. I’m not sure about that reincarnation business either but if fate is kind and if I’d paid all my debts, one day I hope I’ll see you both again. And next time, maybe we can all be together until the end of the line._

_Bucky_

__


End file.
